Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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