I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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