Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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