You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
