I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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