i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
