i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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