I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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