Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's shark week go big or go home
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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