Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
