apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
