I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
