Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
