I'm so fucking centered right now
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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