But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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