just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
