if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
