I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
