I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
