no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
