My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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