**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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