If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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