Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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