I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
