Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
