when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
