I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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