last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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