I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
