Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
