Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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