theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
