rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
