You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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