why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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