last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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