where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
