Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Did I show you my penis last night?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
