Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
