That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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