My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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