Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I pour the whiskey from now on
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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