My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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