He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
