I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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