One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
