she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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