The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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