Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize