WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
