like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
