i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize