and she was petting her beer can
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize