So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
