My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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