So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
